Amreekans - 'da Best

A Japanese doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a liver out of one man, put it into another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says, 'That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it into another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks.'

A British doctor says, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks.'

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, 'You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, and no heart, put her in the White House, and very soon half the country will be out looking for work.'

Indian - defined

Below is hilarious. I have lots of Indian friends and I truly can relate people to almost all of the below (several times):
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You know you are Indian if.....

1. You unwrap all your gifts carefully, so that you can reuse the wrapping.

2 You don't have genuine Tupperware, only use margarine, ice-cream and yoghurt tubs.

3. You call an older person you've never met before 'uncle' or 'aunty.'

4. More than 90% of the music CD's and cassettes in your home are illegal copies.

5. Your garage is always full of stuff because you never throw anything away, just in case you need it someday.

6. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottle from your stays at hotels.

7. You have almost always overweight baggage when travelling by plane.

8. If a store has a limit on the quantity of a product, then each member of the family will join separate queues to purchase the maximum quantity possible.

9. All children have annoying nicknames.

10. Nobody in your family informs you that they are coming over for a visit.

11. You stuff your pockets with, mints and toothpicks at restaurants.

12. Your family member has a minor disagreement with another family member and does not talk to her for 10 years.

13. You only make telephone calls night because it is at a cheaper rate.

14. You teach others swear words in your language.

15. You never have less than 20 people to meet you at the airport or see you off even if it is a local flight

16. You keep changing your Internet Service Provider because the first month is free

17. Office supplies mysteriously find their way to your home.

18. You don't buy a printer because it is cheaper to do it at work.

19. You wash your car on a Sunday.

20. Weddings never start at the appointed time.

21. You always lie about the ages of your children if they have to pay higher admission fees.

22. When you are young, your parents buy you clothes at least two sizes too big so that they would last longer

23. At least one of your uncles is a teacher.

24. You have a 10 kg bag of rice in the kitchen.

25. You always read the Sport sections of the Sunday newspapers first.

26. You have a no job and car, but you still stay with your parents.

27. You have a party for a one-year old, and there's more adults than children.
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Avoidance

"are you avoiding me?"... this is what I was asked for the second time today.

Got me wondering.. have I really been ignoring friends? The homies who had been there for everything over the years (and weeks). Been so tied up with work and home stuff… I truly don’t remember the last time I had a decent conversation with anyone.

Hell yeah…. I’ve been unknowingly ignoring them – but never avoiding!! Time to set things right. Will be calling each and every one and also will meet up with them someplace.

Here’s a sample Mirza apology:

“o’ye blogmaster hedy.. *bow* *bow*. thy subject cometh before you to seek’th forgiveness. for the act of ignorance, for which he is ashamed of. the pain caused to thee… the hurt that cometh with it. the err is unforgivable… but then.. we are human’eth; make mistake’th, but not avoid’th. forgive as it is divine. mercy o’blogmaster hedy.. i beg’th thy mercy. *bow* *bow*”

OK… now… get back to normal or I continue with above BS for another 10 pages.

:)

Sanity - Returned

After weeks of consistent headaches and intolerable stress at work... today is when I feel sane again. A load off my back, at least that’s how I think of it now.. on my way home… back to observing the people around me.

This older ‘Indian’ lady with a laptop, pretending to work but snooping over the shoulder of the guy next to her to read the news… looks at me and then quickly back to her pretend work…. Gotcha!!! Oh.. did I mention she was ‘Indian’.

Aaah… life seems to be back to normal.. I can feel it…. and check out the hottie in the car below who does not even know I exist!!! aaaiiyaaaaii yaaaai karaamba!! yup…. as normal as can be.

Actually enjoyed work today. Been meeting all deadlines and very active in the meetings. A day without headache is a rare occurrence and today was one of them. Even the people around me noticed the ‘return of ‘da mirza’.

However… it’s back to work from home thru the night. Fearing my sanity will disappear again. Want to enjoy whatever is remaining.

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Work incident of the day: the dude exited from the emergency exit and the alarm goes off again…. the really irritating type that nobody resets for another hour. Was in a meeting with my boss when that happened.

She says… “I just put up the notice yesterday on the door so people do not exit through the door.”

I say… “Yes, but it was in English?”

My work = 1200 employees, 950 of which are Indians, many Russians and Chinese, 4 Pakistanis and a handful Americans.
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BTW… did I mention.. that old lady is an ‘Indian’ too - I eyeball her as she exists the Lisle station… heheheheh!!!

am I sane?

Something's Fishy.

So here I am... trotting into work.. not really wanting to be here today...thinking of today's awesome train ride... and pass the CTO in the loooong hallways of my office.

"Mornin J.." I say.

"Good Morning Faisal" he says. and we pass each other.

I pause and look back at him walking away... "Good Morning - F.A.I.S.A.L???" is what he said!! Whoa!!! Something is up.

In a company of over 1200 peeps.. the CTO knows my name and pronounced it correct as well??.. and me probably only spoke to him once in the last 18 months?

Something is up for sure. I just cannot relax not knowing.

WTF is this corporate amreeka political system. Bring it on. I can take it like a Paki guy. Just try me.

I trace back my months at this place trying to figure out the accomplishments for why he remembered my name. Or did I unknowingly screw up.

Whatever it is... sure gives me the creeps.

... now back to thinking of my awesome train ride.

He Said... She Said... and the 'cycle'.

Isn't it just awesome watching the presidential race here in the US of Amreeka!!!

Though I had always thought Hillary was at her post menopause (is that a term??) stage, it seems the all natural PMS is paying her a visit these last few days.

I mean... have u heard her recently.... she has fallen far behind in the candidacy and all she does now is crap about Obama, McCain and now the media. I swear it was not too long ago when she promised positive campaigning and now she starts the 'real' fun kinda politics.

This is where I, instead of watching a movie, sit back, relax, and put on a presidential debate on my new 52inch LCD and enjoy every minute of it. OH.. not quite of a geek I am, but I do flip the channels and only tune in when Hillary craps all over the debate.

Seriously... just imagine, if she were the president and the way she is now.... all the third world countries would be scared shit for like 5 days every month, starting from the 28th day. She could just drop a bomb anyplace to her liking... probably starting from Iran since his president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been ungaling (desi word for fingering) Amreeka all the time.

Bill Clinton - hats off to u dude for putting up with such a beeatch!!! and remember... us desi guys never blamed u for boning (or cigaring) Monica. U deserve a lot better than Hillary.... err... that would be anything else that moves.

Now... in my counthry.... if political candidates speak against the other as open as they do here... the TV/news/media stations are destroyed, there is a riot in a city, and most probably trainee suicide bombers practice all over the country.

I love how organized everything is here. Aaah.. the respect for mankind.... except for Hillary, who gets none.... unless her PMS wears off.

"Awakened"

Yet another amreekan experience today....my first... and hopefully never wanting to experience again!!

My buddy DKK drops the bomb (chill peeps... just my paki lingo... 'bomb' and sheeyat like that) on my Friday's commute home that RP's dad is pretty sick in the hospital and RP is on his way back from a trip to Atlanta.

Sadly.. the dad passes away (85 yrs), from what I hear peacefully. Arrangements were made in advance so the Wake and Funeral took place today. And hence... my first amreekan "wake".

A note on DKK and RP... my bestest of buddies that I met years ago at my previous workplace. It will take blogs and blogs to explain their support and friendship... but for now.. DKK... the hilarious dude (wearing a mask in the photo) has the memory of an elephant.... and RP... years older than me but the stamina of a 20YR old... runs, jogs, plays basketball, racquetball and also as told by his wife *wink*.

So DKK, who also happens to live literally yards away from my place, and I decide to car pool to the wake... leaving pretty early and offering support to RP and his family for whatever we can do to assist.

Having never attended a wake before... and despite hoping to follow DKK's lead in whatever he did, I find myself googling 'wake' in the middle of the night.. checking out things like... dress attire, what to expect, what to do there, what to say, blah blah blah.

Reached the funeral home and was really 'awakened' by what I saw. I had to try really hard to put on my 'serious', 'sad' face not knowing what to expect.. and hands literally shaking as I opened the door. Everything was so sophistically organized to my surprise. After signing the register, putting a condolence card in that spring kinda thingy... and walking through a passage way of photos.. we stood in a line to meet the family. RP saw us there and came to us right away.

I gave RP the manly hug and offered my condolences to him and his family. We talked about his dad for a bit. Remember... I still had my serious face, something that nobody has ever seen before... not even myself. DKK was like "WTF is up with you dude... u r overdoing it - relax man... RP might start crying looking at you". That was my sigh of relief!!! I tell you. It was one tough job being that serious. I considered myself good enough to be a paki movie star with that kind of acting....

.... and it literally took like 5 minutes and things were back to normal, talking about work and projects and meeting up with the other work peeps and... more of a social event. (yup... i am still bad... but hey.. telling u as I saw it). His dad seemed peaceful.... lying in a suit. DKK and I left when it was time for the funeral.. only to meet up with RP and his family in the afternoon once again, on RP's request, which was once again a social event. RP pretended to be strong in front of his family... but did let out his emotions to us in private... the reason he wanted his buddies DKK and me to be there. I'm glad I was there to support him...something I can do well from the heart!!

It truly was a surprising day for me... as I compared the funeral scene from back home to this one. I was surprised first to see the organized way the funeral was "pre"arranged in, surprised to see people socialize instead of indulging in religious services, surprised not seeing even a tear drop in anyones eyes. It actually made me think about family relations and the values (or lack of) that this culture practices.... and wondering if am I ready for this?

I'm glad all that changed towards the end of the day when we finally got to meet RP after the funeral. A lot happened then which filled the gaps between the cultural differences in my mind.

I learned how things could be done better back home instead of the havoc and the rustle bustle, fake bauling, pick-pocketting (yes, happened to me a few months back), most people there for food only, not realizing remaining family is hurt, partying towards end of day and back to normal by night kinda funeral.


I'm actually glad I got to experience this culture today - wishing never having to go to another Wake again!!!

a "stare" of a different kind…

HOLY MUDDA @##$@!!% FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!! LOOK SOMEPLACE ELSE PULEEEEZ!!!! is what I wanna shout at this aunty kinda figure who has been constantly staring at me as if she’s spotted someone from America’s Most Wanted (and hopefully not from NBC’s To Catch a Predator" – I wanna give the people they trap on that show a one way ticket to Kabul for the crime they commit – they deserve the wobbly walk with wide open legs for a long long time after a "Kabuli treatment")

Not even a blink of an eye and if it wasn’t for a smile every now and then and her "southern/desi style" chewing a gum I would think she is a dead person sitting.

Looking at the positive side of things, this is still waaay better than if the dude sitting in front of her were staring. I that was the case, I would have been deported for … what they call that in this country… assault and battery charges???

Wow… she can do that??? She is almost asleep but her one eye is still locked on to me… wide open... .not to let me out of her sight.

I check out my reflection in the glass to see if I’ve got something on me or sumtin and find me sane… the normal me…. nothing noticeable. So why the fck is she doing this? Have no clue and also no plans to talk to her.

Maybe she is still stuck at the 9/11 incident. Stares at that time were the norm and I would just ignore and carry on with my life. Maybe I remind her of her long lost son.... or maybe.... just maybe... she wants to hook me up with her Jessica Simpson/Aishwarya Rai kinda look alike daughter.... which if was the case I'm sure my wife would have not had a problem permitting me to do so :p

Well this is freaking me out and I'm just gonna go change my seat. Not even worth the topic that I wrote!!!

Never again am I going to sit in the lower end of the train car facing the passengers. Never mind the perks, this is just not worth it. Hope she gets off at the stop before mine… WIERDO!!!

Democracy - for hire??

The political situation in Pakistan is nothing more than a joke nowadays. The so-called elections took place recently with the hope to return the country to democracy. But do we really have any worthy 'leaders'?

The candidates opting for the position of the prime minister of Pakistan are all exiled people, recently came out of hiding, ready to loot the country once again. The biggest d!ck of 'em all Zardari who many say got rid off his wife Benazir in he manner that we all know.

Per Zardari... his wifey wanted him to lead her party after her death... of course the Will could not be shared with anyone for privacy reasons - ahaan.. sure... she always knew how incompetent that fool was. So there he was... "I want my kid son to take over". (in other words.. blow him up next.. not me)

So now with the elections over... his party wins... the fool (oh, did I mention he was a d!ck too) wants to collaborate with the opposition.. does not want to be the prime minister.... (scaredy cat. scaredy cat.) and instead of offering the position to another person in his party... offers it to the leader of the opposition party.

NOW HOW STUPID IS THAT!!!!

I think his own party peeps r gonna do unto him what he is most afraid of. He actually deserves that.

Now about the opposition party - the dude Nawaz... does not do shit for the country. He surely will not know how to handle even a dumb@ss like that Bush guy... let alone McCain, Hillary or Obama. He's gonna get us all screwed. Politics is just too much for this guy. He should just run his factories with all the money he has stolen from the country when he was in power.

Oh, did I mention I have yet to see a Paki government complete its term? 'They' always dissolve it before the time is up and it is time for elections again.... rotating to the other so called 'leader' who then takes turn - yup - u guessed it - stealing from our country.

Musharraf - in my opinion.. the best thing that has happened to the country ever since I remember. The guy has guts and knows how to handle the political situation and to deal with world politics. Sure peeps are against his 'ruling' but then what is a guy gotta do? Disagree with the US and watch his country get bombed!!! All those sorry @ss people who are complaining... ask them how they would have handled the situation???? I bet u wanna blow them up urself just by listening to their answers.

First thing Musharraf does is go after all the tax evaders and those far too rich peeps, accounting them for their doings. Lots of action taken and proven good for the country. Eradicated the bhuttos, zardiris and nawaz sharifs for the good of the country. Lead the country thru some difficult times and most important of all... screw the so called mullas that were brainwashing the youth into fighting the 'holy' way - my @ss... no way 'holy' killing innocent people. Musharraf cleaned most of those peeps. Sure the economy suffered, but then when did it not. We all need to come together to fix that and play our part.

BUT first... agree on a GODDAMMIT political resolution and believe in the person leading the country.

The lessons here:
- DO NOT BELIEVE WHAT THE MEDIA PORTRAYS. IT IS ALL A SCAM!!!

- Zardari - explained: the biggest form of a Pakistani d!ck, living off the aid and country money that he stole.

- Nawaz - explained: a dumb@ss like Bush - retard who does not know how to handle anything.

- Musharraf: THANK YOU for taking care of us. Just find some real person who understands what democracy is.Pakistan needs a LEADER. We do not have anybody.

The overall jist:

Can we hire a 'leader' to be the prime minister of Pakistan? A person who can get this shit straightened out? How about any of the candidates who have stepped down from the US presidentital candidacy. We will accept them with open arms and hearts.

Just help us – PLEEEASSE!!!

OMG!!! What did I do???

So here i am... finally starting my own blog after years and years of religiously following a few without 'dem peeps even knowing it.... anyways... I finally sign up tonite.. with a laptop on my lap as I sit on the 'seat of comfort'.

Will I be able to write as often as I should?? who knows... I just started so lets see how it goes. Be prepared to learn some desi vocabulary though as u read on.

wtf is a desi? well u will read about this alot in my blogs - guaranteed, so lets get this thing straight. desi = someone originating from the indian sub-continent... like as in... india, pakistan, sri lanka and that area.

this is just a start. more words to learn as i write.

my rules:
1. if u don't like what i like... who cares - move on and get a life.
2. u don't like my desi terms.... hahahahah.. SO?
3. ur opinion differs from mine.... get a life someplace else.
4. u like what i write...... awesome.. leave a comment or sumtin.
5. do not tell my homeys about my blog, parents especially... i am still their 'decent' son. lets keep it that way.
6. if i say sumtin abt the amreekans that is not cool... do not tell 'dem fb of i folks... they suck ass... oh wait.. no... they r cool peeps.. just remembered i have applied for citizenship and they can screw me over.
7. any comment disrespecting me, my family or any of my homeys.... remember... i can hunt u down and send my people after u. us northern desis do not take any sheeyat from anyone.
8. about my work.... never mind... have to work to support the kids.
9. if i don't post anything for a while... that's cause i don't wanna. do not send me e-mails or comments asking me to post. i will do it when i feel like it.
10. I AM KING of my blog!!! remember that!!! and this blog is my KINGDOM!!!.... pheasants!!! sheesh!